Rules For Communication
Meaning and Humility
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits” –Proverbs 18:21
Introduction
One does not need to be on the earth long before it becomes abundantly obvious that the things people say and the way they say them can have the most uplifting effect, or, conversely, utterly destroy the hearer. Even babies, before they understand words, can discern tone and volume. Language to them may be scary or calming. The soft voice of a mother can soothe a baby to sleep, while the ruckus of a father’s yells can send a baby into a frenzy.
Words are immensely powerful. “Rash words are like sword thrusts” (Proverbs 12:18), able to cut someone through and to pieces. Words spoken in unkind ways without purpose can and will separate close friends (Proverbs 16:28). And yet, we often pay little attention to not only what we say but also the way in which we say it. However, what is even more pernicious than this; more damaging; more subtle and obtuse is the devious habit of assuming to know the meaning of the communicator without asking clarifying questions.
The Problem
It’s happened to you before. You’re having a conversation with a friend or acquaintance, you believe you’re expressing yourself logically and understandably, and if asked, you would assume there is no possible way one could walk away from the conversation having misunderstood what you said. But, much to your dismay, when reconvening at a later date, your friend says, “Hey, do you remember when you said thus and such?” and you reply, “What? I never said thus and such,” but, your friend insists that you did, in fact, say “thus and such.” Now, this may be a benign misunderstanding leading to an amicable correction, and everyone walks away happy. On the other hand, it could be a misunderstanding that leads one to conclude that you’ve sinned, and your denial of their recollection (which they know to be true) is a compounding of sinful pride.
Let me give you an example. You’re having a fellowship lunch after the worship service on the Lord’s day. You go through the line, and you get all the food that caught your eye, and you take your seat with the bois. Your pal looks at your plate and notices that you got the spaghetti but not the meatballs, and he asks, “What, no meatballs?” You reply, “Yeah, I’m not feelin’ the meatballs today.” Your friend gives a little “mmkk” with a shrug, and the table continues with their regularly scheduled conversation about the Jews and Christian Nationalism.
The next week, that same friend and his wife invite you and your family over for dinner. You happily accept, and you and your wife prepare your salad and dessert to share with their family. When you get to his home, you say, “Oh boy! What’s for dinner?” and he says, “Well, we planned on having spaghetti and meatballs, but I know you hate meatballs, so we decided to have a fall chili instead. We love it, we hope you do too!” Your head tilts a little, and you do that little involuntary half-grin when you hear something that doesn’t make sense, because you never said you hated meatballs; you would never say you hate meatballs, because you don’t hate meatballs.
This is a cheeky and fairly inconsequential example, but this illustrates what frequently happens. We have conversations with others, we hear what they say to us, we interpret what they say, and we make inferences and implications from what they’ve said. Then, more often than not, we walk away from that conversation believing that the inferences and/or implications we’ve drawn are what was actually said by the other person. We replace the words that were said with our own interpretation of what we believe was said. And, we need to learn to not do this.
Framing the Issue
The rules of communication are not easily discerned. In our day, the vast majority of people are absolutely wretched communicators. And to quote the “great” communicator, Joseph Biden, that is not hyperbole, folks. These principles are somewhat derived from general principles that have been effective throughout all antiquity; time-tested principles of effective interpersonal communication. But, and most importantly, they are supported by biblical teachings and emphasize mutual responsibility to foster understanding and avoid conflict.
Below, I’ll outline these responsibilities clearly. What will be explained is that the communicator holds the primary ownership over the intended meaning of their words along with the responsibility to communicate clearly, while the receiver is obligated to actively engage to interpret and understand honestly and correctly. Misunderstandings are common, and when they do occur, they should prompt clarifying questions rather than jumping to assumptions.
God has communicated with his church through his word. It means what It means, and the church has the responsibility to interpret it correctly. All people have the right to interpret the bible, but no person has the right to interpret it wrongly.
Communicator’s Responsibility
The communicator always bears the duty to express themselves clearly, honestly, and thoughtfully to minimize ambiguity and ensure their message is received as intended. When there are misunderstandings the one communicating must be humble enough to consider whether his or her way of communicating has caused the problem and be willing to express him or herself again but in a different way. He or she must speak clearly with the understanding of the listener in mind. This includes:
Speaking truthfully and avoiding deceit, as falsehoods distort meaning.
Choosing words that are edifying, gracious, and appropriate for the context, rather than vague or harmful.
Recognizing that they alone hold the original intent and meaning behind their words, so they should aim for precision to prevent misinterpretation.
If a misunderstanding arises, the communicator should be open to rephrasing or elaborating when asked.
This responsibility promotes trust and growth in relationships. Should there be confusion, and the communicator is unable to explain what they are communicating in a different way, this may be an indication that he/she does not have a thorough understanding of the topic at hand. This is not a moral blight. He/she ought to simply admit, “I actually don’t know if I can explain it differently. Let me go do some more research and get back to you.” This will ward off further complications and will foster trust due to the humility.
Receiver’s Responsibility
The receiver’s role is to listen attentively and strive for an accurate understanding, without imposing their own biases or assumptions on the communicator’s words. This includes:
Being quick to hear and slow to react and speak, giving full attention to what is being communicated.
Actively seeking to comprehend the intended meaning, rather than redefining it based on personal interpretation. Listen to the words as objectively as possible, in other words.
Acknowledging that the true meaning resides with the communicator, if something is unclear or seems off, the receiver must ask for clarification instead of proceeding with a potentially faulty understanding.
If the communicator is using a word in a way different than its typical usage or definition making the meaning unclear, ask the question.
Often, people don’t want to ask the questions because that tacitly means you don’t understand. For many, this is embarrassing because it makes some feel stupid. But this is pride. Kill that pride and save the relationship by humbling yourself and asking the question.
Avoiding hasty judgments or anger that could cloud reception.
This approach turns potential conflicts into opportunities for deeper connection. This approach also kills the pride of the receiver. What often happens is the receiver will walk away certain of what was communicated, and will hold on to that understanding as a trophy. Instead, be willing to be wrong—pursue unity and love.
All people are at one time or another both the communicator and the listener. This means, then, that all these principles must be deeply embedded in our hearts.
Handling Misunderstandings
Misunderstandings are inevitable in human communication due to differences in perspective, context, subject knowledge, or wording. The key rule is humility and proactive resolution: rather than letting confusion fester, parties should seek clarity through questions and dialogue. The communicator isn’t solely at fault for a receiver’s misinterpretation, but both share the burden of bridging the gap. The communicator has the obligation of presenting the information as clearly as possible, and be willing to answer any follow on questions without anger or annoyance. Nevertheless, the communicator always holds the meaning of what is being said, and the receiver must always be willing to bend to the intended meaning of the communicator, even if the receiver wouldn’t have said the same thing in the same way. If the receiver doesn’t understand, they must inquire so as to align with the communicator’s intent, as assuming meaning can lead to folly or division. This prevents escalation and honors the relational aspect of communication. If the confusion is high, but avoidable, the receiver may, with humility, suggest a better way for the same material to be communicated so that the communicator does not have the same issues in the future. This helpful correction ought to receive with thanksgiving.
Biblical Scripture References
Scripture provides foundational guidance on these principles, emphasizing truth, listening, and mutual edification. Here are key verses, grouped by theme, with brief explanations of their relevance:
On Clear and Truthful Communication (Communicator’s Role)
Ephesians 4:15: “Speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ.”
This calls for honest, loving expression to build others up, ensuring meaning is conveyed with care.
Ephesians 4:25: “Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.”
Highlights the communicator’s duty to avoid deception and be clear.
Ephesians 4:29: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
This encourages words that are purposeful and clear for positive impact.
Proverbs 14:25: “A truthful witness saves lives, but one who breathes out lies is deceitful.”
This stresses the importance of truthful speaking to preserve understanding and relationships.
Colossians 4:6: “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer each person.”
Here Paul advises communicators to speak thoughtfully and clearly, adapting their words to ensure comprehension.
On Active Listening and Understanding (Receiver’s Role)
James 1:19: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
This is a core verse for receivers, urging attentive hearing before responding.
Proverbs 18:13: “To answer before listening—that is folly and shame.”
This warns against assuming meaning without fully hearing, placing responsibility on the receiver to listen first.
Proverbs 18:2: “Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.”
This encourages receivers to prioritize grasping the communicator’s intent over imposing their own views.
On Seeking Clarification in Misunderstandings
Proverbs 13:15: “Good judgment wins favor, but the way of the unfaithful leads to their destruction.”
In context, this supports asking for clarification to gain understanding and avoid pitfalls.
Matthew 5:37: “All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.”
This promotes straightforward communication, implying that if ambiguity arises, clarification should be sought to maintain simplicity and truth.
Proverbs 4:7: “The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it costs all you have, get understanding.”
This underscores the value of pursuing clarity and understanding, even if it requires asking questions.
These principles and verses collectively form a biblical framework for communication that values humility, truth, and relational harmony. If applied, they reduce misunderstandings by assigning clear roles while encouraging dialogue.